Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

Without you…

I can’t even begin to count the days that I woke up with a smile…knowing that you were there. Your warmth got me through so many days. I can remember us hanging out with friends together, bumping into each other in the streets….it seems like you are everywhere I go. It’s going to be so hard to let you go and to see you with other people. I miss you already…

I have to give up coffee.

It’s giving me auras and migraines.

What a sad day.

This letter was to my beloved coffee….

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November 23, 2011 Posted by | Bitching | , , , , , | 3 Comments

First Snow

This morning, all of the staff had to take a picture together outside the school building. I heard an announcement being made but of course I had no idea what the lady was talking about. My co-teacher came running into the English room to tell me that we had to take a picture. I looked down at my jeans and frumpy coat and sighed of course. Why can’t they ever tell me these things before the last second?! Well I went out there and of course I saw the teacher that I had a crush on when I first got here. Honestly, I still get a little fluttery when I see him but from what I hear, the man is married so that’s just over.

On the way outside, my co-teacher informed me that we had our first snow during the early morning. ( around 5am) apparently it was mixed with rain but it was still our first snow. There were no traces of it when I woke up so I knew nothing about it until she said something. I was thinking about how much winter sucks when she told me something else. ” When there is first snow, you are supposed to be with your boyfriend.” I took a second to think about what. I asked her if that was something that they did for good luck and she said that it was just for ” a romantic time”. My answer was the same as it always is. ” Too bad I don’t have one of those.” As we got to the outside my co-teacher leaned toward me and said ” Yeah but…you can make it.”
She meant that I could find myself a boyfriend. All I kept thinking was Yes….yes I can.

November 22, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Less than 3 | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Vicious

I am certain that there is no creature on Earth more vicious than the woman. Even more specifically women in their teens, 20s and 30s. I mean, we can really go for blood in just about any situation! I’m reminded of that movie Mean Girls. It was funny but also so true. I have come to realize that some females just never grow out of that phase and some never enter it. I like to think that I never acted like that. I can’t remember ever being eager to cause someone else discomfort like that.

Anyway, I met a woman here in Korea who seemed really cool at first glance. She’s one of those people who is a lot of fun when it comes to finding something to do on Saturday night but any other time you find yourself wondering why you communicate with her. I don’t know that I have ever heard her say anything nice about anyone. When we hang out, she is constantly complaining and finding reasons to be angry with people. She’s just mean-spirited by nature…and it’s really annoying. I’d hate to hear what she says about me behind my back.

So my point here is….I wonder why so many women are like that. Attacking other women for no reason….constantly talking about other people…etc. I think it comes down to insecurity. I know that this particular woman mentioned a few times that she gained a significant amount of weight since she came to live here. She has also had some trouble with some of the schools she applied for job in turning her down because she was black. ( Yep. They told her that they wanted someone white. They can do that here in Korea.)

A while back when I was still in the States, there was an interesting talk at church. Rev.Richard was talking about the reasons why people say and do things to hurt others. Deep down, they are really hurting too. Turning around and being hateful is the natural response and everyone is guilty of it at one time or another. He told us that the key to not taking those things personally is remembering that they are more than likely doing it because somewhere, somehow they are hurting. This is something that really helped me when I was working in a public high school back home. Those kids were good for that. I had to remember that they were going through some messed up stuff and that was the reason for 97% of the messed up stuff that came out of their mouths.

People are so sensitive. Some would never admit that but we really are. It’s really interesting to think about all of the ways we deal with ( or don’t deal with) our issues.

November 21, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching | Leave a comment

Dream Diary

Yesterday, a conversation about The Secret started in one of the Facebook groups I am in. I always like to see that people are interested in it and are applying it in their lives. I think that since I have moved here, I haven’t really been focusing as much on it….rather I’ve been just focusing on keeping a positive attitude through the day. I can remember one thing that I wrote here that kind of tied into The Secret and it ended up coming true for a little while. The problem was that I let my thinking turn negative again and I lost my blessing.

Anyway, one woman was talking about how she has this Positive Dream Diary where she writes the positive things that happen to her and the things that she wants. She told the story of how she wrote an entry about her perfect man and what he would do with and for her. Two weeks later, her current boyfriend asked her out. She then wrote about getting all As that semester in college and that too came true. Many people will say that it was just a coincidence or that those things were kind of in her control but I definitely think that our lives are shaped by the thoughts that we have.

It’s amazing how strong of a force the human mind is. We can create and destroy with nothing more than a thought. Well I decided to start one of those dream diaries. I need to make it back to COEX mall because they actually had a notebook for sale for that purpose. Anyway, last night I wrote my first entry…my perfect man. I wrote everything that I could think of and I think that maybe I was a little too specific but hey, this is my dream! I am determined that this week, I will get the ball rolling with either a new friend or a new love interest. My social life is not going to kickstart itself. Don’t like being single? Change it! Start talking to people….get to know them. Find someone with common interests or maybe not so common interests so that they can teach you a little something new. I would love to find the man who I wrote about this week.

November 21, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Less than 3 | Leave a comment

I miss my ex

uh oh….nothing good can ever come out of uttering those four words! For the last couple of days, I have been thinking about my ex-boyfriend and surprisingly I’m not talking about my first love. I think I have pretty much gotten over that.  There’s always that one situation that you never fully had closure on because you wouldn’t allow yourself to think about it long enough to get it. He is my situation.

I found him on Facebook yesterday and sent him a nice message explaining that I had been wondering where he was and what he was doing. It looks like he went through with the plans for his future that we’d discussed back when we were dating….minus me, of course. I just want to know that he is doing well and that he is happy. It isn’t an attempt to get him back. I want closure here and I am determined to get it.

This person is EXTREMELY talented and intelligent. ( The guy is working on a Masters at Virgina Tech…..) We went to high school together and even though we liked each other, we never actually dated because my best friend liked him. He was another guy in my band class but once I actually dated him ( about 2 years ago), I found out how talented he really was. This guy can play the guitar and sing like nobody’s business. I can remember sitting in his living room and staring at him lovingly while he played and sang for me.

As I mentioned, he is also super intelligent. Every time he opens his mouth, you can hear it but he never tried to make me feel stupid. I remember talking to him about all kinds of things and just being blown away by the way he thought.

I don’t know that I truly LOVED him. I don’t think I had enough of a chance to because there were a lot of things about his life that he didnt’ want to talk about. Also, I didn’t allow myself to really know HIM. I was too busy assuming that I knew what he was about and what he was going to do next. He once pointed out that I wasn’t really dealing with him, I was creating all of these situations in my head. ( Like assuming that he was going to change his mind about me at any moment and break up with me.)

True love or not, I have been thinking about him and I want to have the conversations that we didn’t have at the end of our relationship. After that happens, I will be satisfied.

November 20, 2011 Posted by | Less than 3 | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just please, not a black girl….

When I was younger, a lot of my interracial relationships created waves in my small town. One mother told her son that if he dated me, none of the other girls at school would want to date him after that. It’s funny because it actually worked the other way around for him. He became very popular after dating a “black girl”.  In college, another guy I dated told me that his parents told him that he could date and marry anyone he pleased as long as it wasn’t a “black girl”.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the reasons for these things.  What is so wrong with us that people have to warn their sons away? I mean, there were always those ugly stereotypes about us all being fat, lazy, loud, uneducated and confrontational. ( The Angry Black Woman)Then I started thinking about where those stereotypes came from. Everyone is so quick to blame TV but even before that, we have to look deeper. The fact is that there are a lot of women out there feeding these stereotypes!

I will be the first to admit that I sometimes have a strong personality. I do not let people talk to me any kind of way and I do not let people take advantage of me. I can also say that those traits have nothing to do with being black. There is no such thing as “black girl attitude” in my world. Why? Because I know plenty of women (and men) who don’t take mess from anyone. Why should you?! It has way more to do with how you view yourself and what you think you deserve from people. Black women are known for being strong but we aren’t the only ones who stand up for ourselves and not all black women do anyway.

I am in a group o Facebook for people who support AMBW relationships. ( Asian Men, Black Women) I figured that it would be a very positive way to show my support and to maybe meet some nice Asian men. I couldn’t have been more wrong. This group is full of  ABW ( Angry Black Women) who are all pretty much competing for the attention of the same 5 or 6 Asian men. There are over 2,000 members in this group mind you, but only about 20 or 30 are active and most of those are ABW. I do not use th term ABW lightly because I hate that many  black women are automatically placed in that category just because they don’t let people push them around. These women really are angry. At any given time, you can open the page and catch a good old catfight between two ABW over something completely stupid.

This morning, I woke up to a fun little Q&A session that one woman started. She asked about the Nationality of each person in the group. So of course, you have people who harp on her use of the term Nationality. It’s always the same people who talk to everyone like they are stupid.            ” Don’t you mean ethnicity?”  ” It’s sad that you don’t know the difference.”  Then another woman started ranting about how it shouldn’t matter anyway because that’s not what she should be focusing on when getting to know someone.  *sigh*  People, it was supposed to be a fun, lighthearted discussion about everyone’s background. I’m a very intelligent and educated person and sometimes I get Nationality and Ethnicity confused. Even within the group, they could not agree on the difference. Is Nationality referring to where you were born, where your ancestors come from, or what it says on your passport?

Anyway, the original poster and the woman who didn’t think it should matter got into this heated discussion that soon turned into name calling. I really hate to hear anyone being called a bitch….especially over something like this. This is the third discussion in a week to explode into a name calling session. The other two were between AM and BW ( Asian men and black women). My point is that those of us who do not fit into the stereotype are pretty much  being ignored. The attention goes to those who DO fit the stereotype. These women are not representing all black women! When there are black women acting like they have sense, people think that we are just an exception to the rule. How sad is that?

Why do I talk  about race? Why is it an issue? Try growing up being told things like ” My Mom thinks that nobody will want to date me because I dated a black girl” and then try not to think about race. It makes no sense to people who have never had these types of experiences.

November 20, 2011 Posted by | Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Actually…

On twitter, Joyce Meyer and I follow each other. Just now I read the following tweet from her:

Are you facing something right now that looms like a giant in your life? Remember: nothing is impossible with God!

While I wholeheartedly agree that nothing is impossible with God, I realized something else. For the first time in a really long time, I can say no to her question. I am not facing anything that looms over me. For once I’m not feeling like David, gearing up for a seemingly impossible battle with Goliath.

It’s a good feeling. A great feeling actually. I have nothing to worry about and I need to remember that the next time my mind starts to manufacture fake and unnecessary worries.

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November 19, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation | , , | Leave a comment

WTF?!

So I was talking to my co-teacher this morning about growth. ( In an attempt to forget about the fact that a girl had just puked during the class before and she had to clean it up.) I commented that there were a lot of tall girls in the class that was coming in and she said that they tend to stop growing at age 15. I tried to remember when I stopped growing but couldn’t. Next, she told me that girls normally stop growing when they get their first period. I could not confirm or deny that. According to her, parents some times take their daughters to get shots that keep them from having their first period so that they can keep getting taller….

o_0

Does that work?! Really it doesn’t matter because it’s still crazy as hell either way. So I asked her ” Well what does it matter if they are tall?” and she said ” It looks good.” I swear Koreans are some of the most appearance crazy people I have ever seen.  The worst part is that they aren’t even chasing their own ideals….they want to be like Europeans. I find it interesting that they are like that because everyone else in the world thinks that Asians are so beautiful.

Anyway…

I also wonder about race relations here. I have heard some truly sad things about how people have been treated but I have not been treated that way myself. One person told me that their friend has it rough at his school. The some of the kids won’t take candy from him because they say he has ” The Monkey Disease”. ( AIDS)  This guy does not have AIDS but for some reason, these ignorant people in that area assume that he does. Aside from being asked if I’m from Africa on the subway and having the students think that every black person they see on the classroom screen is me…I haven’t had too much of a hassle. Honestly, I think it’s easier for women here….especially if the locals find you attractive.  They seem to be very interested in my hair. ( Which they can’t believe is REAL)

Bottom line for me is this: If you can get on the internet or your phone and learn about Angry birds and the Cleveland Indians, you can know something about other people and other cultures. There are a lot of ignorant parents passing inaccurate information to their kids everywhere…not just in Korea.

November 18, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Are you serious?

It’s way too early for me to be feeling this way. As usual…I spoke way too soon. Maybe that’s something else I need to work on.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to worry about anything. Life is way too short to get bent out of shape over small stuff.

Don’t get it twisted. I’m also not going to be a fool.

November 18, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

My Amazing Legacy

My beautiful blossoming flower lives on....I love you, Z!

I have former students in the States who love me. I mean, they are so loyal it almost brings me to tears every time I log onto my teacher Facebook. I love hearing that they miss me and that they are respecting the new teacher even though they don’t like her. They make me so proud in these moments. My dance company kids are not very happy with the new situation at all. I would love to be there with them now but my life had to change. I had to do this for me and I’m so glad that I did.
Those kids refuse to let the new teacher change the name of dance company and it makes me so proud to know that it is that important to them.
I do not share the same relationship with my new students as I did with them….mainly because of the cultural and language differences. I think it’s good though because here I am not constantly worrying about the home lives of my students. My life is much less stressful here and it’s just what the doctor ordered.

I am so lucky to have such a beautiful and strong legacy…I’m going to have an AMAZING performance for my wedding. I will have like 100 dancers! ( Yep. My students will be invited when I get married and we will dance together again!)

I feel so damn loved right now!

November 17, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Less than 3 | Leave a comment