Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

Something you hate about yourself:

Let me start out by saying that I don’t really HATE anything about myself because HATE is such a strong word. Having said that, I really dislike the fact that I can’t seem to be content with myself. It isn’t that I don’t like myself….or that I think that I’m so horribly flawed but I just can’t seem to find the happiness within.

Everyone is always saying that you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t truly love yourself. I know that to be true. You can’t expect to make someone happy if you are not happy with yourself. I am not happy most of the time as a single person. I have no problem going places by myself and stuff like that but I really haven’t been able to embrace the single and happy lifestyle.

I really dislike that I always feel that I need a relationship to make me happy…..especially since I will not find a healthy relationship without being happy with myself. I want to be able to say that I am in love with myself and that if I don’t find the right person, so be it. But I don’t really feel that way.

I am so desperate for attention these days….well really I’ve always been this way. The minute someone expresses even a smidgen of interest, I jump all over it and (usually) scare them away.  As much as I say that I want someone to take the time to get to know me, I think that I am just as guilty of being in a rush…maybe not to have sex but definitely to have a relationship with someone.

I just hate that I can’t seem to shake my obsession with finding my future husband because I am not content with just being me by myself.


December 16, 2011 Posted by | Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Lesson in Missing Your Blessing…

When I was in college, I dated this guy…he was kind of a nerd and I liked that about him because I’m kind of a nerd as well. He was really into music too and everyone thought he looked like someone famous in the music industry. ( I mean…he was signing fake autographs in the mall!) I met this guy through a mutual friend on Xanga. I lived in North Carolina and he lived in South Carolina and it wasn’t too bad of a drive between. I really liked him but it seemed like he didn’t want anyone to know that he was dating me. I assumed that he didn’t want his parents to know that he was dating outside of his race.

This guy was inexperienced with dating and didn’t really know how to treat a girlfriend. I think I was only his second GF in his entire life. We broke up after an awful Valentine’s Day  weekend trip to the beach. He showed up with just enough money to pay his half of the hotel room but no money for food or fun. His solution was a cooler full of nutra-grain bars that he thought would keep him full for the entire weekend. I ended up buying all of the food. It just so happened that his brother was at the beach that weekend with some friends and they were performing in a talent show. He went to the show  by himself because he didn’t want anyone to recognize me. Then, on V-Day, he took his brother and friends to the mall and left me in the hotel room alone all day. There were no gifts….no quality time…nothing. I drove home at the end of the weekend in tears. My other ex called me while I was driving and said that had he known, he would have paid for me to fly out to Washington to spend the weekend with him…and he would have treated me right. That just made things worse.

So over the years, I have kept in touch with this ex of mine and he has been a WONDERFUL friend to me. A few times he dropped what he was doing and flew out to see me just because I was feeling down. ( This was after we both moved to the West coast and they were always platonic visits.) I never let him get close to me romantically again…even though he tried a few times. At one point, we had one of those pacts going….if we were single at 25, we would marry each other. 25 came and went and we, of course, didn’t get married. That was because I was afraid of getting hurt by him again….being a secret again.  He asked me several times about us ending up in the same city, dating again, and getting married and I just couldn’t let him near me like that. I knew that he didn’t love me and when I explained that, he always said that he would grow to love me.

The last time I saw him was when he flew out to Phoenix for Valentine’s Day weekend. We were both single so we decided to spend it together as friends. It was a tradition that I would have liked to keep if I wasn’t in another country now. He more than made up for that awful weekend in college by just being there and talking me through a tough time.

When I decided to move to Asia, I was surprised  and pleased to hear that he had been working on a way to move here too. ( And he hadn’t known that I was planning this!) He was set to move to Asia around the same time as me and I was excited. I was finally ready to consider what he’d said so many times before. I was ready to think about us again.

At the last minute, he told me that he wasn’t going. He had things that he had to take care of in the States before he could leave but he wouldn’t tell me what any of the issues were.  I was so hurt, especially when I saw soon after  he was dating someone new. I figured that he didn’t want to leave because of her and I stopped talking to him for a few months. He couldn’t figure out why I was so upset with him and I wouldn’t tell him. It wasn’t until 3 or 4 months into my Korea move that I told him how I felt.  He explained that he really did have things going on in the US and that meeting his GF was just something that happened.

So since then, we have re-friended each other on FB and I am absolutely jealous every time I see his pictures with her pop up. Not only is she gorgeous, but he is such a great boyfriend to her. He takes her places, shares his feelings with her, posts about her on FB…he didn’t do any of that with me back in the day. It just makes me angry to think that I got him when he was so inexperienced and when he didn’t know how to treat a woman and she gets him now that he’s so charming and thoughtful. I just have that feeling that they are going to end up married.

So….did I miss out? Should I have taken him up on his offer before or was I right to be careful with my heart?

December 16, 2011 Posted by | Less than 3 | , , , , , | 1 Comment