Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

A lesson in Letting Go pt.1

I was awake at 3:30 this morning. I woke up from a disturbing dream and automatically reached for my phone. What I found there was equally disturbing and it brought me around to realize that I needed to finally let go.

AJ has been my friend since I first moved to Arizona. I met her at a local club honestly, I didn’t like her. She was drunk and obnoxious and had a hard time keeping her hands to herself. I refused the drinks she offered to buy but the friend I was with gladly accepted. “You know your friend is just selling you to me, right?” AJ slurred in my ear.

At the end of that night, I was feeling a bit differently about her. Maybe she wasn’t always like this. Even though her friends had warned me that she was an a**hole, I could see something in her eyes that told me otherwise. I thought that maybe she was friend material. We ended up becoming friends and soon we were inseparable. The only problem was that sometimes AJ got a little weird.  There have been about 3 or 4 times during the course of our friendship when she has just kind of gone crazy. The first time, it was because I ended up not going to a concert that she invited me to because I was sick. She called and texted me during the concert and called me every name in the book. She basically told me that I was worse than scum. I was totally confused about what had happened.

So we didn’t talk for a long time. I was convinced that she was unstable at first. Later on, I started to miss her friendship. She was funny and loyal and I needed that in my life. I soon started to blame her behavior on alcohol. She has always been just a little too dependent on alcohol to alter her moods. ( Along with marijuana…but that’s a different story…) I started hanging out with her again. It took a while but her strange behavior came back. This time she snapped because I was trying to get her to talk to me about her upcoming time in jail. She’d been arrested for drinking and driving and she’d run into the back of a car in front of her. She was having a hard time because in her mind, jail was just like the horrible times she’d had in the military before we’d met. When I tried to be there for her, she snapped. Again she called me names and suggested that I was the worse friend in the history of the world. This time, it was about a year before we spoke again. I missed her again.

So this morning,when I looked at my phone, I found her response to my last message. I had commented about the pictures she posted on Facebook of herself and her girlfriend at a Turn About party. She is a stud and her gf is a femme. The point of the party was for them to switch roles for a night. We were always joking around about how doing something like this went against a stud’s sense of identity. It wasn’t unusual for us to express our feelings about such things. For some reason, after I told her that she looked nice but didn’t look comfortable or natural…as we usually say…she snapped on me. I woke up to two long messages about how even overseas, I’m a rude bitch. She said that I was use to being inside a box…me..of all people.  She said that it was one of many reasons why we don’t work.

That was the last straw. I decided then and there that I would let go of her friendship because with it came the pain from the things that she says when she gets drunk and angry. It’s hard to let go of someone who you’ve been through so much with…someone you care about so much. I have decided that I care about her but I care about myself more and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I will not put myself through this anymore.

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March 30, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

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