Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

You Can’t Hide

I remember being a teenager and deciding that by the age of 25, I would either be married or in a serious relationship and headed in the direction of marriage. I decided that by age 30, I would have my first child and I’d have the perfect career. At that time, I didn’t want to avoid growing up, I was looking forward to it.

As the years went by, I quickly discovered that things don’t always go as planned and I’d have to be flexible. 25 came and went and I’m still single. I will be 30 next March and there is no child. I think that as I came to understand that I wasn’t always going to get what I wanted out of adulthood, I stopping looking forward to it. It’s kind of like the child who is losing the game or not getting his/her way and all of a sudden doesn’t want to play anymore.

I have to work to support myself. Plain and simple, that’s the truth. I have yet to find that dream job and honestly, I don’t even know what exactly I want to do at this point. What I do know, is that I wake up 5 out of 5 work days dreading going to work. I’ve taken more than my share of sick days that were actually ” sick of work days”. This behavior has been tolerated up until now….not in Korea. I know find myself in a situation where my ” I don’t wanna” days are noticed and used against me. I’ve learned my lesson for sure and I’ve adopted  new attitude. Nobody said this thing was going to be easy. Nobody said that it was all fun and games. I have got to learn to get up and push through even when I really don’t want to.

I know that my attitude toward working in the past has been effected by my depression as well as the people around me. I’m not going to find a perfect work  place where nothing ever goes wrong and where people are always kind of considerate so I’m the one who has to change. I can’t let people who are really NON FACTORS have that much power over me.

As for the depression, I am also working on that. I refuse to go back on meds. I’d rather find a therapist because I have been working through this for almost a year without meds and I’ve made a lot of progress with it.

I don’t exactly know how I have made it this far without taking full responsibility for myself but it has to change NOW.

June 5, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

5 Things I’ve Learned About Myself Lately

The past few months that I’ve been here in Korea have been full of growth and realizations. I have learned some things about myself….some good things…and some things that I need to work on.

1. I am highly sensitive to anything relating to being a Black person and what that means. I have come to dread any lessons in the book that have Black characters in them because I’m afraid of what the kids might say and how I will react. Today, there was a lesson in the 4th grade where a Korean boy went to visit his Aunt and her husband, who was Black. I totally expected the kids to make a huge deal out of it or at least call the Black man in the animated clip “Obama” but they didn’t do either of those things. I heard nothing. It seems as though my students are growing and changing. Looks like it’s time for me to do the same and learn to trust them.

2. I am entirely too old for playing hookie. I am that person at your job who takes the concept of “mental health day” to the extreme. There are days when I wake up and I just don’t want to go to school….so I don’t.  I was always using up my sick days in the States and I started out doing the same here. I am starting to see though, that me being absent from school does effect other people. I realize now that sometimes you have to do those things that you don’t feel like doing. There are plenty of people in this world ( hell, in this SCHOOL) who wake up in the morning and don’t want to leave the house and come here yet I’m the only person who is consistently taking those “mental health days”. I need to take them only when I really need them and stop making my co-workers so concerned for my health!

3. There aren’t many people in this world stronger than me. I am working my way out of depression and anxiety without therapy and without meds. The therapy I wouldn’t mind but I’m pretty sure that I will never take another antidepressant in my life. I can pretty much do anything I set out to do. I know that sounds corny but as someone who used to have so many doubts about herself, I take it as a big deal. When I think about my options from here….staying in Korea for another year or leaving to go to Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, UAE, or Saudi Arabia…I am amazed. I could even go back to the States and I know that I have options. While I am weak in some areas….I am strong in others like school. I have given myself so many different options for the future and I love it.

4. I really f*cking love my parents. The other night, I was waiting on my order at a local chicken joint and I sent a message to a friend about how much my Mother loved that place when she came here. That got me thinking about my parents and how much I missed them. By the time my order was ready, I had to duck out of the place quickly because I was fighting tears….and losing the fight. I guess I hadn’t really realized how much I missed them until then. I spent 4 years in Arizona and I didn’t seem them much then but that’s really not the same as leaving the country and knowing that it would take at least 12 hours to get to them if I needed to. They aren’t getting any younger…and sometimes I worry about that. Sometimes I feel selfish for taking off and doing all of this as my parents are getting older. The Skype calls, the words of encouragement, and the care packages have all shown me that they love me and they support my decisions. I can’t wait to see them this summer.

5. I don’t need a relationship but I would like one. Something that I’ve noticed lately is that I have become less desperate to find someone and more hopeful. I find that I had more success with people that way too. Something about the way desperation makes you act…it just runs people off.

So…there’s my short list! It’s 3 minutes until 4:30 so I’m going to get the hell out of work!

March 15, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Interpersonal Deficit

So…in the class that I’m currently taking, the issue of interpersonal deficit came up. We learned that it is a situation where you have a lack of relationships with other people or a lack of healthy and positive relationships. I immediately knew that we were talking about me. I mean, that’s something that I am dealing with at this stage of my life. I also talked to a friend of mine who is also living here in Korea and dealing with interpersonal deficit and like her, I wasn’t always like this. I used to go out and have fun and enjoy people. The difference between us is that she can pinpoint an event in her life that caused her to be that way…her divorce. For me, there wasn’t anything like that…I just slowly withdrew from society and when I do let people near me, I make it hard for them to want to stay. I definitely think that I could benefit from some sort of therapy for this. I am not under the illusion that I will be able to “cure myself’ by getting this degree. I want to turn 30 a year from now and be able to say that I am capable of having positive and healthy relationships with others.

I want to help others who go through the things that I went through and those who are going through things that I can’t even imagine. Some times I get lost in the theories,laws ,codes of ethics and even sometimes my own touch of neuroses I wonder if I’m in the right place…if I should even be in this program. As long as I have the desire to help other people and the drive to learn more…I think the answer is yes.

March 10, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , | Leave a comment

Seasons Change

Winter is a rough time for me. Not only do I hate the cold, I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Gloomy weather literally changes my attitude and depresses me. I was told all of this two years ago when I had a mini break down that took me out of work for the last two weeks of the first semester. At the time, I was put on antidepressants (Wellbutrin) and sent on my way.

Since I’ve been in Korea, I have been fighting the depression that I’ve been dealing with since high school with no meds. I simply forgot to take them in all of the excitement of moving here. I have been using affirmations and positive thinking to turn things around. I have my days when I just don’t want to get out of bed but those are few and far between now. This week, I had a little bit of a relapse but I am back on track now. I did notice though, that as the sun started coming back out, I got a better grip on myself. It’s so strange to feel like a slave to the weather. I am in control here though and I have to do the things that I know will make me stronger. I can’t be awake at all times of the night and early morning and expect to feel my best. Eating junk food all day is not going to help either. Being lazy and not getting exercise is only going to bring me down faster.

In other news…date this weekend…possibly one tonight. That’s all.

 

 

December 1, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching | , , | Leave a comment