Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

Pity Party

Everyone needs to have a pity party from time to time. I find that when I get down low enough to have one, I end up finding the strength from somewhere to pick myself back up and continue. Yesterday felt messed up but then I realized how healthy it actually was. Just like we talked about in my Group Counseling class….conflict doesn’t always have to be negative and you have to work through it. In this case, it was a conflict with myself and I’d say that I’m working through it rather than around it. However, I still couldn’t talk myself into going to work today.

I’ve realized that I need a plan…not one that is so tight that I don’t have room for detours but…I need to figure out what I want from this life and start conducting myself accordingly. Obviously teaching…or maybe just the environments in which I’ve been teaching…is not meeting my needs. I cared deeply about what I was doing in the States and the kids I taught and basically I burned myself out. Now, I’m at the other end of the scale and I find that I really don’t care much about what I do now. I don’t care to get to know the kids personally. I don’t care about going to school everyday. I don’t care about anything other than proving to my colleagues  that I am capable.

I have a long while before I will be finished with the degree that I’m currently working on. I figured out that I will finish my course work in July or August of 2014 and then my pre-practicum and 4 sections of practicum start. So we are looking at 2015 before I’m finished. Once I’m finished, will I want to start a career in counseling or not? I am deeply interested in Counseling so I think that it is a real possibility. I also think that a career in counseling could possibly offer me more flexibility than teaching. Because of my personality and the nature of my own emotional and psychological challenges, I need a field where I can have some flexibility.

Educational Administration is something that I got a Masters in and knew from the start that I didn’t want to be an administrator. I just wanted a Masters in Education that gave me the option of moving up the ladder if I wanted to. The only way that I would consider being a school administrator is if I were working in a school with a Fine Arts signature or if I could go into a situation like in AZ where they hire an assistant principal for all areas. ( Instruction, Registration, Student Opportunities,etc) I would want to be the Assistant Principal of Student Opportunities so that I could work with athletics, The Arts, and Community events. I think that it would be nice to have someone in that position who is not an ex-athlete for once and have someone who actually has a background in the Arts. So many times, these administrators favor the athletics teams over the Arts and I wouldn’t want to favor anyone over anyone else. I would want to do the job so that I could help everyone understand that what they do is important and that athletics and Arts can co-exist without drama.

One question keeps popping into my mind as I think about the steps I have already taken and the steps I’m considering. How does all of this fit into my biggest long-term goal…my real dream…my Arts academy? Before it was a dance school but I think that I would really love a place where students could specialize in Dance, Theater, Tech Theater, Visual Art, Vocal music, or Instrumental music. I think that by giving myself all of these options for careers, I am creating the stability that I will need in order to start planning my academy. I will need to get myself straightened out financially before I can even consider starting any plans.

People are always standing on the outside looking in and telling me how much I’ve accomplished and how prepared I am but…to me…I feel like I’m stuck at square one.

May 14, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Identity Theft

You’ve got my life. All those years it was ME wishing for the things you have. I was the one making plans and doing what I needed to do to ensure that I got what I wanted. Me…that was my dream…my hopes and aspirations.Your family spent all those years asking why you couldn’t be more like me and now it’s my turn to be jealous. Playing it safe, getting the good grades, going to college…none of that mattered. I watched you waste your life and be reckless with your heart…your body. Now I get to watch you enjoy the life that I wanted for myself while I wander around this life alone and confused. Marriage, children, a home…I deserve those things too. I never thought I was better than you…i just thought we were different. I never thought you’d have those things before me…never thought that at this stage of my life I’d still be alone. I guess sometimes all the planning gets in the way.

May 13, 2012 Posted by | Bitching | , , , , , | Leave a comment

30 Days of Truth/ Day 5

Something you would love to do in your life:

My ultimate goal in life is to own a successful dance school. I don’t want to call it a dance studio because that label makes me think of  little girls with too much make up on and costumes that cost their parents hundreds of dollars but they will never wear again. It makes me think of snotty dancers who decide to take dance classes at school for fun and treat everyone else like crap because they aren’t studio dancers. I don’t like the images that come to mind when I think about the studio dancers I have dealt with in the past. No, I want to have a dance school.

In my dance school, students will learn about dance technique, history, theory, careers, and notation. They will learn to express themselves by choreographing their own works.  I want my students to appreciate dance for what it is….not what the media has made it into. I want them to realize that without African and Jazz dance…there would be no hip-hop dance. These students will be able to learn technique in ballet, jazz, modern, African, lyrical, hip-hop, ballroom, and various folk dances from around the world. I will bring in guest artists from other countries to do residencies.   My school will not be all about showing off…they will fundraise to help with the costs of costumes and they will also participate in community service. I want to develop not only great dancers, but great leaders and people as well. Basically, I would like to run my school like a public school program. They will be able to get internships and learn about performing arts related careers. They will perform and also learn about how to run a show from behind the scenes. ( Lights, stage managing, sound, programs, advertising, etc.) They will learn to notate dance so that years from now, young dancers can read the notation and recreate works that they choreographed and performed.

A while ago, I was talking to a co-worker of mine and she was talking about her dream to open a triple-threat studio. Students would be able to study dance, theater, and music. ( Instrumental and voice) I thought that was a great idea as well. I wouldn’t mind going into business with someone like her and making both of our dreams a reality. While part of me wants to go into business by myself and be able to call all the shots, another part of me knows that two heads are better than one and I need someone to balance me out. I am a very impulsive person and I have a feeling that I would have a hard time with the business and financial aspects.

I don’t know exactly when or where I will open this school but it is only a matter of time. I w ill know when the time is right but it will happen before I leave this world…

December 20, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation | , , | Leave a comment