Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

5 Things I’ve Learned About Myself Lately

The past few months that I’ve been here in Korea have been full of growth and realizations. I have learned some things about myself….some good things…and some things that I need to work on.

1. I am highly sensitive to anything relating to being a Black person and what that means. I have come to dread any lessons in the book that have Black characters in them because I’m afraid of what the kids might say and how I will react. Today, there was a lesson in the 4th grade where a Korean boy went to visit his Aunt and her husband, who was Black. I totally expected the kids to make a huge deal out of it or at least call the Black man in the animated clip “Obama” but they didn’t do either of those things. I heard nothing. It seems as though my students are growing and changing. Looks like it’s time for me to do the same and learn to trust them.

2. I am entirely too old for playing hookie. I am that person at your job who takes the concept of “mental health day” to the extreme. There are days when I wake up and I just don’t want to go to school….so I don’t.  I was always using up my sick days in the States and I started out doing the same here. I am starting to see though, that me being absent from school does effect other people. I realize now that sometimes you have to do those things that you don’t feel like doing. There are plenty of people in this world ( hell, in this SCHOOL) who wake up in the morning and don’t want to leave the house and come here yet I’m the only person who is consistently taking those “mental health days”. I need to take them only when I really need them and stop making my co-workers so concerned for my health!

3. There aren’t many people in this world stronger than me. I am working my way out of depression and anxiety without therapy and without meds. The therapy I wouldn’t mind but I’m pretty sure that I will never take another antidepressant in my life. I can pretty much do anything I set out to do. I know that sounds corny but as someone who used to have so many doubts about herself, I take it as a big deal. When I think about my options from here….staying in Korea for another year or leaving to go to Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, UAE, or Saudi Arabia…I am amazed. I could even go back to the States and I know that I have options. While I am weak in some areas….I am strong in others like school. I have given myself so many different options for the future and I love it.

4. I really f*cking love my parents. The other night, I was waiting on my order at a local chicken joint and I sent a message to a friend about how much my Mother loved that place when she came here. That got me thinking about my parents and how much I missed them. By the time my order was ready, I had to duck out of the place quickly because I was fighting tears….and losing the fight. I guess I hadn’t really realized how much I missed them until then. I spent 4 years in Arizona and I didn’t seem them much then but that’s really not the same as leaving the country and knowing that it would take at least 12 hours to get to them if I needed to. They aren’t getting any younger…and sometimes I worry about that. Sometimes I feel selfish for taking off and doing all of this as my parents are getting older. The Skype calls, the words of encouragement, and the care packages have all shown me that they love me and they support my decisions. I can’t wait to see them this summer.

5. I don’t need a relationship but I would like one. Something that I’ve noticed lately is that I have become less desperate to find someone and more hopeful. I find that I had more success with people that way too. Something about the way desperation makes you act…it just runs people off.

So…there’s my short list! It’s 3 minutes until 4:30 so I’m going to get the hell out of work!

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March 15, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m Single- Why I don’t hate Valentine’s Day

For as long as I’ve been alive, Valentine’s Day has always been a very commercialized, lovey-dovey kind of day. Everyone is so focused on whether or not they are in a relationship and that has become the main theme of the holiday. I used to get sucked up into that as well and it was miserable…especially since I spent most of my Vdays as a single person. I have come to realize though, that what needed to change was my attitude.

My mother has always made sure that I knew that I was loved on Valentine’s Day. When I was growing up, she would set the breakfast table up with Vday goodies for me. There was always candy and a card and usually there would be a cute pair of Vday themed socks or something like that. It wasn’t the THINGS that she gave me on that day that told me that I was loved. It was the time and consideration it took to do that for me. My fondest Valentine’s Day memories have nothing to do with romance…they have more to do with unconditional love and gestures of love from all sources. ( esp. my Mom)

I am spending this day contacting people who are important to me and telling them just how much they mean to me. That’s what it’s all about for me.

February 14, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Less than 3 | , , , , | Leave a comment

So…

Let’s go back to these unrealistic expectations that I have as a result of too many romance novels…

One thing that I have noticed is that I require a lot of attention from men. In my head, I tell myself that I don’t REALLY expect them to spend every free moment texting me or calling me or being with me but…if I could have it that way, I would love it. I think that I forget that some people ( not me) have lives and can’t be on their phones sending emoticons and sweet little messages all day.  It has ruined many a relationship and it’s the reason why B3 and I will probably never be together.

Are there men out there who require just as much time and attention? Honestly, the people who have come and go in my life that were even remotely close to as needy as I am have annoyed the hell out of me. That should say something to me….the message should be loud and clear.

I’ve always been just a little too eager…never good at playing hard to get. ( Not that playing hard to get is cute because it really isn’t.)

SO anyway…I think I’ve been bitten by the FAMILY bug again lately. It’s probably due to the fact that so many people got engaged and announced their pregnancies during the holiday season. I just think that sharing a life and creating life are two of the most beautiful things that we get to do and some times it seems like I’m the only person not doing it! I understand that these are perfectly normal feelings to have but it still doesn’t keep me from feeling like a creeper when I talk to people about it. People have a way of throwing every over used saying in the book at you to try to make you feel better.

I’m still young. Check.

I have plenty of time. Check.

When I stop looking, love with find me. Check.

There’s someone out there who is perfect for me. Check.

Yep. Got it. Cool but…it doesn’t change anything for me. My heart still wants what it wants.

 

December 29, 2011 Posted by | Less than 3 | , , , , | Leave a comment

Protected: 30 Days of Truth- Day 4/ OHANA means Family Pt.2

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December 19, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching | , , , , , , | Enter your password to view comments.

Protected: Ohana means family….family means no one gets left behind….Pt.1

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December 8, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , , | Enter your password to view comments.