Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

I Expect A Lot…

In the past, when someone has accused me of “expecting a lot”,  I have quickly taken offense and denied it. I saw it as them judging me and that was not something that I could deal with. I think I’m at a point now where I can admit that I do expect a hell of a lot from people….especially those I date. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that either. If I’m going to try to be the best person I can be and to deal with them in a way that is pleasant and fair…why not expect the very same from them in return? There are many things that I realize that I expect from people but they are also things that I expect from myself when I am dealing with them. Do I sometimes fall short? Yes…and so will they but that effort is what matters and lets me know that they actually give a damn. So here are some examples of things that I expect from others.

– If a person is going to make me a part of their life, I expect to be treated like I matter. If I don’t matter…don’t be fake and pretend that I’m a real part of your life. Don’t make me someone to talk to when you are bored or someone to go out with when you have nothing to do. I don’t let just anyone into my life and neither should you. If someone is there, they should have a purpose or a place.  Take an interest in who I am and what I like and actively try to get to know me. Don’t treat me like I’m just one of many options. See me for who I am…the one and only original ME.

-I expect for people to take responsibility for their actions and words. I used to be the type of person who always had some great excuse as to why I was acting a certain way and it usually involved me pointing a finger in someone else’s direction. It’s easy to do and of course I’m human and sometimes I still do it. The older I get though, the better I am becoming at identifying patterns in my behavior and their effects on others. This is something that I wish for everyone else too. I can admit when I’m being difficult and I can usually figure out why. I expect for other people to take more responsibility.

-Respect me as a person! Do not make assumptions about who I am because of my gender or my skin color. I guarantee you that women are not the only ones with emotions and some of us are capable of controlling them. Do not assume that because at any given time I disagree with you, it’s because I’m on my period. Please be advised that I am not going to launch myself into a neck rolling, finger-snapping frenzy when I am angry. (Believe it or not, Black women don’t all have attitudes.) You don’t have to comment about how articulate I am as if it’s some kind of surprise. I’m a 29 year old, educated woman. I’m not going to be ghetto and obnoxious just because I have brown skin. Stop acting surprised because I listen to music other than hip-hop and R&B and speak languages other than English. Respect me enough to avoid doing/saying things that you know hurt me or make me angry because I’m going to do the very same for you!

-Be yourself! There is nothing worse than dealing with a person whom you feel is not being completely honest about who they are. Ok, so you aren’t rich, trendy, or ripped…some of us don’t care about those things. If I start out not knowing the real you, we don’t really have a chance at all. I’m going to be who I am. ( I’m still working on not being so apologetic about some of the aspects of being who I am but….I’m me nonetheless.)

-Express yourself! If you feel something, say so! This doesn’t just mean telling me that you like me….I also want to know if you have doubts, fears,etc. If you have a problem with me or something I’ve done/said….let me know. I have found that in the past I have missed many opportunities because I just didn’t speak up. I have also seen that holding on to issues and fears can come back to blow up in your face when you are unwilling to get them out on the table. They never really go away unless you confront them.

Ok so my brain just shut off…must be on a timer. I’m sure I will think of some more things later.

Feed your faith and starve your fears….

~Bee

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April 14, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Election Day

Yesterday was a great day. I decided to go out to Ganghwa island with some friends. I love the feeling I get from hanging out with people. I love feeling like part of the group for a change. We laughed so much…took pictures…ate wonderful Vietnamese food. I’m so glad that I didn’t stay at home for the day because I would have missed out on so much.

I’m learning about how awesome I really can be. I look at the person I am when I am around these people and I’m actually really impressed. It isn’t like I become someone different around other people…it’s just that I am able to fully express myself and show my personality. I’m a pretty fun person!

The date was good the night before. I thought that it would be all awkward but it really wasn’t. He looked amazing in the button down shirt he was wearing and it’s so strange how I am looking at him in a different light. He asks me out and all of a sudden I see him differently because I’ve given myself permission. I’m enjoying this but I hope to take things slowly. I don’t want to end up in any uncomfortable situations and I also want to continue to be fun around him. I don’t want to take things too seriously and start thinking too much.

 

Purp and I enjoying the view on Ganghwa Island.

April 12, 2012 Posted by | Click, Less than 3 | , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Line…and When is it Ok to Cross it Again?

I have this friend…we will call him Purp. ( I really hate posts that start that way but oh well…) Purp and I met on Facebook when I joined a page for foreigners living close to my area. As soon as I introduced myself and said that I was looking to ” get a social life”, he responded asking what I like to do. Ever since then, he and I have seen each other every weekend. I know what you are thinking and it isn’t anything romantic…I think. Well it didn’t start out that way. We are always hanging out with groups of people…mostly people he knows. We have never been out alone.

Recently, this friend of mine asked if I would be interested in hanging out alone….a date, he added at the end. I was shocked because I had no idea that he thought of me that way. I guess that’s a good thing though because I hate for a man to act like a horny dog from the beginning. He and I have started a great friendship and he reminds me so much of the people I called my closest friends in high school. So, I agreed to go out with him tonight but I’m feeling so many things at this point.

1. Excitement! Hanging out with Purp is always a great time and I’m always excited to see him. I’m also excited because he treats me like a friend…a lady…someone to be respected. I never feel like he is looking at me with lust in his heart.

2. Fear! What happens if this doesn’t work out? What if one or both of us is uncomfortable? How do you go back to being friends and forget about that one night when you tried to be more? That’s scary! I know people are always using the lame excuse that they don’t want to ruin a great friendship but I REALLY feel that way. If I lose this person’s friendship, I will be crushed.

3. Curiosity! No really…what happens if it doesn’t work out? Does he become SuperCockBlockMan when we hang out from now on? He doesn’t seem like the jealous type and I don’t think he would turn into a jerk if we didn’t end up dating and I met someone else while I was out with him in the future. There is always that possibility though…I just wonder what he will be like from here forward.

So I have also been thinking about this other situation. If someone tells you that they want you to “follow your heart” when it comes to someone else…does that mean exactly that or is that a nice way of saying ” I don’t give two shits what you do” ? Conversations come less frequently and some things have changed. I get the feeling that we have both stopped caring a little and that’s fine. Once I start seeing someone as an emotional threat…I slow down on trying to pursue them. Nobody is perfect but there are certain places that I just don’t want to put myself.  Call me a coward…I’ll be that.

April 10, 2012 Posted by | Less than 3 | , , , | Leave a comment

I really don’t have to…

Just when I started to revert back to old habits…I sit straight up in bed and think to myself ” I really don’t have to be with anyone at the end of it all.” That’s the best thought I could possibly have and I don’t mean to shut myself off from the world like I did before ( another bad habit broken) but to stop being so damn desperate. Why sit around and worry about who to pick or who is the best for me when I can just spend time with people and have fun? Why force myself to make choices that don’t need to be made at this point? I’ve realized that just because someone has expressed some interest doesn’t mean that I have to be so eager to make it into a relationship. Just because two or more people have expressed interest doesn’t mean that I have to choose. What I’ve learned is that I really don’t have to do these things and my world won’t come to an end if I don’t take stuff so seriously all the time and over analyze everything. For the love of God, woman….just have some fun!

April 7, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A lesson in Letting Go pt.1

I was awake at 3:30 this morning. I woke up from a disturbing dream and automatically reached for my phone. What I found there was equally disturbing and it brought me around to realize that I needed to finally let go.

AJ has been my friend since I first moved to Arizona. I met her at a local club honestly, I didn’t like her. She was drunk and obnoxious and had a hard time keeping her hands to herself. I refused the drinks she offered to buy but the friend I was with gladly accepted. “You know your friend is just selling you to me, right?” AJ slurred in my ear.

At the end of that night, I was feeling a bit differently about her. Maybe she wasn’t always like this. Even though her friends had warned me that she was an a**hole, I could see something in her eyes that told me otherwise. I thought that maybe she was friend material. We ended up becoming friends and soon we were inseparable. The only problem was that sometimes AJ got a little weird.  There have been about 3 or 4 times during the course of our friendship when she has just kind of gone crazy. The first time, it was because I ended up not going to a concert that she invited me to because I was sick. She called and texted me during the concert and called me every name in the book. She basically told me that I was worse than scum. I was totally confused about what had happened.

So we didn’t talk for a long time. I was convinced that she was unstable at first. Later on, I started to miss her friendship. She was funny and loyal and I needed that in my life. I soon started to blame her behavior on alcohol. She has always been just a little too dependent on alcohol to alter her moods. ( Along with marijuana…but that’s a different story…) I started hanging out with her again. It took a while but her strange behavior came back. This time she snapped because I was trying to get her to talk to me about her upcoming time in jail. She’d been arrested for drinking and driving and she’d run into the back of a car in front of her. She was having a hard time because in her mind, jail was just like the horrible times she’d had in the military before we’d met. When I tried to be there for her, she snapped. Again she called me names and suggested that I was the worse friend in the history of the world. This time, it was about a year before we spoke again. I missed her again.

So this morning,when I looked at my phone, I found her response to my last message. I had commented about the pictures she posted on Facebook of herself and her girlfriend at a Turn About party. She is a stud and her gf is a femme. The point of the party was for them to switch roles for a night. We were always joking around about how doing something like this went against a stud’s sense of identity. It wasn’t unusual for us to express our feelings about such things. For some reason, after I told her that she looked nice but didn’t look comfortable or natural…as we usually say…she snapped on me. I woke up to two long messages about how even overseas, I’m a rude bitch. She said that I was use to being inside a box…me..of all people.  She said that it was one of many reasons why we don’t work.

That was the last straw. I decided then and there that I would let go of her friendship because with it came the pain from the things that she says when she gets drunk and angry. It’s hard to let go of someone who you’ve been through so much with…someone you care about so much. I have decided that I care about her but I care about myself more and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I will not put myself through this anymore.

March 30, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Someone who makes your life worth living:

My first teaching job in Arizona was complete bullshit. I was attracted to the Fine Arts signature that the school had but honestly, the administrators didn’t care that much about the Arts. Jessica was teaching PE at the same school when we met and we had the same feelings about teaching Elementary school kids….it just wasn’t for us. I didn’t hang out with her that much while we were there…mostly when I was invited to events by mutual friends. I do, however, remember sticking up for her when those same mutual friends were unfair or rude to her or behind her back. I instantly liked her but I think that she and I are both loners. That next school year, we both moved up to the High school district.

We started hanging out a lot more right before I decided to move here to Korea. I found that talking to her was so easy and fun. We did things like grab dinner, watch movies, go shopping…but she is one person that I could spend a lot of time with and never get tired of.

So, we have this “mutual friend” I say it like that because I honestly don’t care for this person at all. I think she is self-centered and boring. Anyway, this person is actually her best friend. One of the things that I admire about Jessica is that she is so damn caring and she doesn’t have my knack for cutting people off for little or no reason. She is so loyal, even to those who do not deserve it.  More than anything, I just want her to learn to be selfish sometimes and do things for herself JUST BECAUSE. I can’t wait for her to start teaching abroad….she deserves some happiness and she has worked SO HARD.

Jessica and I couldn’t be more alike if we tried. We are both into making things ( knitting, crochet, etc.), camping, teaching, and reading. We are both challenged  and a bit angry at times when it comes to dating. We have almost the same sense of humor and I find myself laughing like a crazy person when we are together.

I want to start talking to her more…I haven’t had much of a chance since I’ve been here. That is about to change because she is honestly one of the best people I’ve ever had in my life.

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation, Less than 3 | , | Leave a comment