Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

Identity Theft

You’ve got my life. All those years it was ME wishing for the things you have. I was the one making plans and doing what I needed to do to ensure that I got what I wanted. Me…that was my dream…my hopes and aspirations.Your family spent all those years asking why you couldn’t be more like me and now it’s my turn to be jealous. Playing it safe, getting the good grades, going to college…none of that mattered. I watched you waste your life and be reckless with your heart…your body. Now I get to watch you enjoy the life that I wanted for myself while I wander around this life alone and confused. Marriage, children, a home…I deserve those things too. I never thought I was better than you…i just thought we were different. I never thought you’d have those things before me…never thought that at this stage of my life I’d still be alone. I guess sometimes all the planning gets in the way.

May 13, 2012 Posted by | Bitching | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sail

I’ve decided to delete my teacher Facebook account. It’s just too much. I realized that I am depending on my former students to validate me. I am obsessing over the thought that their new teacher is better than me….that she is giving them all of the things that I couldn’t. I need to step back and take a deep breath…remember that it was ME that started that program and I did a hell of a job. I not only taught them about dance but I also made them want to be better people. I care about them. I was an amazing teacher to them.

So…getting off of there will make things better. If I’m not constantly looking at pictures from their latest show or thinking about what I’m missing out on, I can move forward. I will keep in touch via email but that’s about it. There is no reason for me to have one foot in my new world and one foot in the old one. I have to let go.

I think that part of the problem here is that when it comes to my new world…there is still so much that I don’t know. So much is still being decided and I really hate not knowing where I am going and what I ultimately want to do with myself. I know that it’s my dream to open a dance school but until that dream can happen…what will I do? I know that I don’t plan to teach English in public schools forever. University I could stand to do for a bit but…once I finish this counseling degree…what then? Will I go into counseling? Go for another degree? Hell, two weeks ago I was sure I wanted to change my program of study to TESOL and the only reason I didn’t was because I’m in the middle of a financial aid year. Then I decided that I will stick in there with counseling. It isn’t easy but I am genuinely interested in it. The thought of helping families and couples through therapy really appeals to me.

Here I am…I am finding that the closer I get to 30…the less I know about what I really want to do. This is a really scary place to be right now. I think that I need to let go of any notion that 30 is the magic number and that I must have everything figured out by then. I need to stop planning and start living.

May 3, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Never put off until tomorrow…

I have learned a valuable lesson today. If there are warning signs and red flags when you are around someone…TAKE IT TO HEART! When people show you who they really are…believe them.

I have come to realize that avoiding people in general is not the way to avoid drama… avoiding people who love to bathe in drama is the way to do it. Some people have to be in the middle of drama or creating drama everywhere they go. If you are not being confrontational and rude, they think you are being fake or not keeping it 100 with them. No, there are just some things in life that aren’t worth starting a war over….most things actually.

Today I have been set free from a connection from a person whose personality does not mesh well with mine. I can’t deal with people who are so angry and bitter that they make the lives of others uncomfortable. I can’t be around someone who says such ugly things about their “friends” behind their backs. I need positive people in my life.

Here’s to drama free fun!

February 24, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , | Leave a comment

A Lesson in Missing Your Blessing…

When I was in college, I dated this guy…he was kind of a nerd and I liked that about him because I’m kind of a nerd as well. He was really into music too and everyone thought he looked like someone famous in the music industry. ( I mean…he was signing fake autographs in the mall!) I met this guy through a mutual friend on Xanga. I lived in North Carolina and he lived in South Carolina and it wasn’t too bad of a drive between. I really liked him but it seemed like he didn’t want anyone to know that he was dating me. I assumed that he didn’t want his parents to know that he was dating outside of his race.

This guy was inexperienced with dating and didn’t really know how to treat a girlfriend. I think I was only his second GF in his entire life. We broke up after an awful Valentine’s Day  weekend trip to the beach. He showed up with just enough money to pay his half of the hotel room but no money for food or fun. His solution was a cooler full of nutra-grain bars that he thought would keep him full for the entire weekend. I ended up buying all of the food. It just so happened that his brother was at the beach that weekend with some friends and they were performing in a talent show. He went to the show  by himself because he didn’t want anyone to recognize me. Then, on V-Day, he took his brother and friends to the mall and left me in the hotel room alone all day. There were no gifts….no quality time…nothing. I drove home at the end of the weekend in tears. My other ex called me while I was driving and said that had he known, he would have paid for me to fly out to Washington to spend the weekend with him…and he would have treated me right. That just made things worse.

So over the years, I have kept in touch with this ex of mine and he has been a WONDERFUL friend to me. A few times he dropped what he was doing and flew out to see me just because I was feeling down. ( This was after we both moved to the West coast and they were always platonic visits.) I never let him get close to me romantically again…even though he tried a few times. At one point, we had one of those pacts going….if we were single at 25, we would marry each other. 25 came and went and we, of course, didn’t get married. That was because I was afraid of getting hurt by him again….being a secret again.  He asked me several times about us ending up in the same city, dating again, and getting married and I just couldn’t let him near me like that. I knew that he didn’t love me and when I explained that, he always said that he would grow to love me.

The last time I saw him was when he flew out to Phoenix for Valentine’s Day weekend. We were both single so we decided to spend it together as friends. It was a tradition that I would have liked to keep if I wasn’t in another country now. He more than made up for that awful weekend in college by just being there and talking me through a tough time.

When I decided to move to Asia, I was surprised  and pleased to hear that he had been working on a way to move here too. ( And he hadn’t known that I was planning this!) He was set to move to Asia around the same time as me and I was excited. I was finally ready to consider what he’d said so many times before. I was ready to think about us again.

At the last minute, he told me that he wasn’t going. He had things that he had to take care of in the States before he could leave but he wouldn’t tell me what any of the issues were.  I was so hurt, especially when I saw soon after  he was dating someone new. I figured that he didn’t want to leave because of her and I stopped talking to him for a few months. He couldn’t figure out why I was so upset with him and I wouldn’t tell him. It wasn’t until 3 or 4 months into my Korea move that I told him how I felt.  He explained that he really did have things going on in the US and that meeting his GF was just something that happened.

So since then, we have re-friended each other on FB and I am absolutely jealous every time I see his pictures with her pop up. Not only is she gorgeous, but he is such a great boyfriend to her. He takes her places, shares his feelings with her, posts about her on FB…he didn’t do any of that with me back in the day. It just makes me angry to think that I got him when he was so inexperienced and when he didn’t know how to treat a woman and she gets him now that he’s so charming and thoughtful. I just have that feeling that they are going to end up married.

So….did I miss out? Should I have taken him up on his offer before or was I right to be careful with my heart?

December 16, 2011 Posted by | Less than 3 | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Protected: Ohana means family….family means no one gets left behind….Pt.1

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December 8, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , , | Enter your password to view comments.