Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

Pity Party

Everyone needs to have a pity party from time to time. I find that when I get down low enough to have one, I end up finding the strength from somewhere to pick myself back up and continue. Yesterday felt messed up but then I realized how healthy it actually was. Just like we talked about in my Group Counseling class….conflict doesn’t always have to be negative and you have to work through it. In this case, it was a conflict with myself and I’d say that I’m working through it rather than around it. However, I still couldn’t talk myself into going to work today.

I’ve realized that I need a plan…not one that is so tight that I don’t have room for detours but…I need to figure out what I want from this life and start conducting myself accordingly. Obviously teaching…or maybe just the environments in which I’ve been teaching…is not meeting my needs. I cared deeply about what I was doing in the States and the kids I taught and basically I burned myself out. Now, I’m at the other end of the scale and I find that I really don’t care much about what I do now. I don’t care to get to know the kids personally. I don’t care about going to school everyday. I don’t care about anything other than proving to my colleagues  that I am capable.

I have a long while before I will be finished with the degree that I’m currently working on. I figured out that I will finish my course work in July or August of 2014 and then my pre-practicum and 4 sections of practicum start. So we are looking at 2015 before I’m finished. Once I’m finished, will I want to start a career in counseling or not? I am deeply interested in Counseling so I think that it is a real possibility. I also think that a career in counseling could possibly offer me more flexibility than teaching. Because of my personality and the nature of my own emotional and psychological challenges, I need a field where I can have some flexibility.

Educational Administration is something that I got a Masters in and knew from the start that I didn’t want to be an administrator. I just wanted a Masters in Education that gave me the option of moving up the ladder if I wanted to. The only way that I would consider being a school administrator is if I were working in a school with a Fine Arts signature or if I could go into a situation like in AZ where they hire an assistant principal for all areas. ( Instruction, Registration, Student Opportunities,etc) I would want to be the Assistant Principal of Student Opportunities so that I could work with athletics, The Arts, and Community events. I think that it would be nice to have someone in that position who is not an ex-athlete for once and have someone who actually has a background in the Arts. So many times, these administrators favor the athletics teams over the Arts and I wouldn’t want to favor anyone over anyone else. I would want to do the job so that I could help everyone understand that what they do is important and that athletics and Arts can co-exist without drama.

One question keeps popping into my mind as I think about the steps I have already taken and the steps I’m considering. How does all of this fit into my biggest long-term goal…my real dream…my Arts academy? Before it was a dance school but I think that I would really love a place where students could specialize in Dance, Theater, Tech Theater, Visual Art, Vocal music, or Instrumental music. I think that by giving myself all of these options for careers, I am creating the stability that I will need in order to start planning my academy. I will need to get myself straightened out financially before I can even consider starting any plans.

People are always standing on the outside looking in and telling me how much I’ve accomplished and how prepared I am but…to me…I feel like I’m stuck at square one.

May 14, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Identity Theft

You’ve got my life. All those years it was ME wishing for the things you have. I was the one making plans and doing what I needed to do to ensure that I got what I wanted. Me…that was my dream…my hopes and aspirations.Your family spent all those years asking why you couldn’t be more like me and now it’s my turn to be jealous. Playing it safe, getting the good grades, going to college…none of that mattered. I watched you waste your life and be reckless with your heart…your body. Now I get to watch you enjoy the life that I wanted for myself while I wander around this life alone and confused. Marriage, children, a home…I deserve those things too. I never thought I was better than you…i just thought we were different. I never thought you’d have those things before me…never thought that at this stage of my life I’d still be alone. I guess sometimes all the planning gets in the way.

May 13, 2012 Posted by | Bitching | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sail

I’ve decided to delete my teacher Facebook account. It’s just too much. I realized that I am depending on my former students to validate me. I am obsessing over the thought that their new teacher is better than me….that she is giving them all of the things that I couldn’t. I need to step back and take a deep breath…remember that it was ME that started that program and I did a hell of a job. I not only taught them about dance but I also made them want to be better people. I care about them. I was an amazing teacher to them.

So…getting off of there will make things better. If I’m not constantly looking at pictures from their latest show or thinking about what I’m missing out on, I can move forward. I will keep in touch via email but that’s about it. There is no reason for me to have one foot in my new world and one foot in the old one. I have to let go.

I think that part of the problem here is that when it comes to my new world…there is still so much that I don’t know. So much is still being decided and I really hate not knowing where I am going and what I ultimately want to do with myself. I know that it’s my dream to open a dance school but until that dream can happen…what will I do? I know that I don’t plan to teach English in public schools forever. University I could stand to do for a bit but…once I finish this counseling degree…what then? Will I go into counseling? Go for another degree? Hell, two weeks ago I was sure I wanted to change my program of study to TESOL and the only reason I didn’t was because I’m in the middle of a financial aid year. Then I decided that I will stick in there with counseling. It isn’t easy but I am genuinely interested in it. The thought of helping families and couples through therapy really appeals to me.

Here I am…I am finding that the closer I get to 30…the less I know about what I really want to do. This is a really scary place to be right now. I think that I need to let go of any notion that 30 is the magic number and that I must have everything figured out by then. I need to stop planning and start living.

May 3, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , , | Leave a comment

If you know what’s good for you…

I definitely have been able to identify things that just AREN’T for me. But, I’m having a harder time figuring out what’s good for me. Well really, I’m having a hard time TRUSTING myself to know what’s good for me. Opportunities are being presented and I’m too stuck in fear to take them. I have so many excuses why I can’t but in reality, it might be the best thing for me.

It’s such a sad thing when something good comes your way and you don’t know how to enjoy it because you aren’t used to that kind of good luck. You end up convincing yourself that you either don’t want it or don’t deserve it.

What’s your next move going to be?

Life really is like a big game and sometimes if you are too focused on choosing the perfect strategy, you can miss out on some truly beautiful opportunities. I am a fan of “going with the flow” and letting things just happen but how often do I actually allow that in my own life?

 
They always say that life is short and really it is. It’s too short to live with regrets, to live in fear, and to run away from new opportunities.  It’s also too short to let people walk all over you.
I think what I’d like to do is just have more fun and allow myself to enjoy things that make me feel good. They might not always lead to where I want them to but I can enjoy them nonetheless.

February 23, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , | Leave a comment

Updates on A lot

So I’ve been an awful blogger recently. It was mostly because of my vacation though. I am so glad to be home and away from the person I was traveling with. The dog and I both lost some weight while I was gone so that’s all good. I have pictures but they are on my home computer so I will definitely move them over here to WordPress when I get a chance.

I’m back in the saddle at school…for a week. The strange thing about Winter break is that we come back for one week in February to wrap up our last lessons before the 6th graders graduate at the end of the week. Then, we are out of school for another 2 weeks for “Spring Break”. When we return in March, it’s a new school year and everyone has been brought up a grade. I did all of this planning for this week and we really aren’t doing anything. I won’t see the 6th graders, I only got to teach one 5th grade class ( tomorrow I only see two 5th grade classes and they are both watching a video with my co-teacher), and I won’t see my 4th graders at all either. So that means that I taught I class so far ( which was more like just a word review game) and I will teach my four 3rd grade classes on Wednesday. That’s it! I am happy to have a light load this week but I’m also a little disappointed because I planned some great lessons for them. But, this week I will be focused on making changes to the discipline system of our department and planning the first month of lessons for the new school year in March.

I’m still not dating and I haven’t really missed it at all. Had one person who didn’t want to take no for an answer and had to be really stern with him. I am too focused on other things. I am plugging away at my Counseling courses and have started TESOL training as well. (I’m almost halfway through with it and should be finished by this time next week!)

I have made the decision to give Korea another year or two of my life. I will not know until the last 2 or 3  months of my contract if I will be asked to return so I’m looking into other options as well. I am going to see what’s up with the private school that I really wanted to work for before. The hours are longer but there are more foreigners there and the kids are extremely talented in English already. At this point, I’m not going to look too much outside of Korea. I think I want to stay here for a little while, save some money, pay off debts, and enjoy this relatively stress-free life. I at least think I want to stay here until I finish my current degree program. I can’t see myself trying to work in the States or anywhere else that would force me to work crazy hours or do a lot of work outside of the work day and studying as well. I did it with the first Masters degree and it just about drove me mad. Why not make things easier or myself?

My next break, I will go home to see my family and friends. (Summer) Next winter break, I am going to shoot for Japan or Thailand. Those were the places that I wanted to visit this time and got shot down by the chick that I travelled with. ( Well if I can’t see any of the places that I’m interested in, don’t be surprised and mad when I don’t really want to do that much sightseeing!) If I have to, I will travel alone. I don’t care about going alone and I’m smart enough to stay out of harm’s way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my passion. The more I think about it, the more I think that I don’t really have one anymore. Dance burned me completely out and while my most important and lasting life goals are tied to dance, I think that I did the right thing by taking a break. I have tried many things that other people are passionate about but I can leave or take them. I want to find something that I love so much that I want to do it all the time. I want to be good at something. I guess I will continue to search.

Meanwhile…the novel was put on super hold…and other novel ideas are coming to me. I think that I just need to take some time and outline this thing and finally decide on it before I start trying to write it. I am getting so far away from my original concept and that’s totally ok…

February 6, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, iWrite, Less than 3 | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Until your well runs dry…

 

The following is a status update from one of my former students in Arizona:

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iReally Miss Ms. Harper Dude, iWas Actually Switched Out Of Dance For Second Semester Because It Wasnt Fun For Me Anymore, But After iGot On Staqe And Got To Dance By MYSELF. iRealized iBelonq In Dance And iKnow Ms.Harper Wouldnt Want Me To Give Up Because Of Some Teacher. Ms. Harper Yu Tauqht Me To Believe In Myself And Always Be Open To New Types Of Choreoqrapy. Everytime iWalk In The Dance Room iThink Of Yu :] iJuss Want To Say Thank Yu Ms.Harper Yu Made Me A Better Dancer And Helped Me Get Over My Fears ♥ iLove Yu And Miss Yu :]

****

This really made my day when I read it and every time I go back to it, it brings tears to my eyes. I have heard from a lot of my former students since I have been here and many of them did not completely understand or like me when I was there but now that I’m gone, they have a better understanding of why I did the things I did and who I really was. Now that they have a teacher who doesn’t seem to really care about them as people, they have come to see that everything that I did was out of love and consideration for them. It’s a bittersweet moment because I don’t want them to have to deal with someone who doesn’t care but…I think it’s a lesson that they needed to learn. So…maybe they will learn to appreciate the people in their lives before they are gone. ( Even if they don’t totally understand them.) I also think that the other people in the school…the admins and other teachers….have come to appreciate me more as well.

I really love everything that this message stands for. I am thankful for a lesson learned and for the affirmation that I made a difference in a child’s life.

January 6, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , | Leave a comment

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

Something you hate about yourself:

Let me start out by saying that I don’t really HATE anything about myself because HATE is such a strong word. Having said that, I really dislike the fact that I can’t seem to be content with myself. It isn’t that I don’t like myself….or that I think that I’m so horribly flawed but I just can’t seem to find the happiness within.

Everyone is always saying that you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t truly love yourself. I know that to be true. You can’t expect to make someone happy if you are not happy with yourself. I am not happy most of the time as a single person. I have no problem going places by myself and stuff like that but I really haven’t been able to embrace the single and happy lifestyle.

I really dislike that I always feel that I need a relationship to make me happy…..especially since I will not find a healthy relationship without being happy with myself. I want to be able to say that I am in love with myself and that if I don’t find the right person, so be it. But I don’t really feel that way.

I am so desperate for attention these days….well really I’ve always been this way. The minute someone expresses even a smidgen of interest, I jump all over it and (usually) scare them away.  As much as I say that I want someone to take the time to get to know me, I think that I am just as guilty of being in a rush…maybe not to have sex but definitely to have a relationship with someone.

I just hate that I can’t seem to shake my obsession with finding my future husband because I am not content with just being me by myself.

December 16, 2011 Posted by | Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Actually…

On twitter, Joyce Meyer and I follow each other. Just now I read the following tweet from her:

Are you facing something right now that looms like a giant in your life? Remember: nothing is impossible with God!

While I wholeheartedly agree that nothing is impossible with God, I realized something else. For the first time in a really long time, I can say no to her question. I am not facing anything that looms over me. For once I’m not feeling like David, gearing up for a seemingly impossible battle with Goliath.

It’s a good feeling. A great feeling actually. I have nothing to worry about and I need to remember that the next time my mind starts to manufacture fake and unnecessary worries.

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November 19, 2011 Posted by | Affirmation | , , | Leave a comment