Get Up & Grow

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

If you know what’s good for you…

I definitely have been able to identify things that just AREN’T for me. But, I’m having a harder time figuring out what’s good for me. Well really, I’m having a hard time TRUSTING myself to know what’s good for me. Opportunities are being presented and I’m too stuck in fear to take them. I have so many excuses why I can’t but in reality, it might be the best thing for me.

It’s such a sad thing when something good comes your way and you don’t know how to enjoy it because you aren’t used to that kind of good luck. You end up convincing yourself that you either don’t want it or don’t deserve it.

What’s your next move going to be?

Life really is like a big game and sometimes if you are too focused on choosing the perfect strategy, you can miss out on some truly beautiful opportunities. I am a fan of “going with the flow” and letting things just happen but how often do I actually allow that in my own life?

 
They always say that life is short and really it is. It’s too short to live with regrets, to live in fear, and to run away from new opportunities.  It’s also too short to let people walk all over you.
I think what I’d like to do is just have more fun and allow myself to enjoy things that make me feel good. They might not always lead to where I want them to but I can enjoy them nonetheless.
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February 23, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , | Leave a comment

Why do we stay? (And return?)

When things are good...

 
 
 
 
 Recently there has been a lot of talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown. People are saying that these two are making music together and possibly getting back together. I’m not big on celebrity gossip but hearing about this has made me think about a few things. Why do people stay in miserable situations or return to people who have damaged them? How in the world do you just forget about being beaten down ( physically or emotionally) by someone? I’m reminded of  all of those episodes of daytime talk shows where people are confronted with the same question and the answer is always the same. ” But, I love him/her”.   It seems to me that we will allow things to go very wrong and very far in the name of love. Are we so hungry for love that we will push aside our self-respect and let someone treat us like we are subhuman? Absolutely…I see it everyday. But what happens inside a person to make them believe that this person who is really torturing them actually loves them? 
 
 

How do you forget about this?!

 
 
 
 Personally, I have never stayed with or returned to someone who made me miserable but I am guilty of sticking myself into the same unhealthy situations over and over. The people change…the misery doesn’t. I think that some times I do it with the belief that something will change or that the person will finally care enough about me to stop hurting me. Just to clarify, I have only been in one relationship where the guy thought he would hit me and he only got one shot in before I kicked his sorry ass. And that was the end of that but am I really that different from these women who stay in abusive relationships?  I may not let anyone beat on me but I have allowed people to make me feel bad about myself. I have Given so many chances when I suspected that the other person was being dishonest with me. I put up with crap for the same reasons they do…I’m hungry for love. Am I any better?

February 21, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | 1 Comment

THIS is why you didn’t deserve me

So my Valentine’s Day was really sweet and I left messages on FB for the most important people in my life to tell them that I love them. It struck me that there was one person whom I had forgotten…someone who loved me a long time ago and who taught me what love was…my ex. I don’t actually talk to my first love and now I am convinced that it’s for the best. Here is the message that I sent him privately:

Ok….bear with me…I am sending messages to people today to tell them why they are important in my life. I believe that Valentine’s Day is about love in all forms so I like to do this to show appreciation for the people who have loved me during my lifetime. This year I wanted to finally tell you some things. This is in no way meant to offend you or to make you feel uncomfortable but I would like to express myself so here goes….

We weren’t meant to spend our lives together but back then nobody could have told me that. You were the first and only person that I was ever in love with. I have loved many people in my life in different ways and for different periods of time but that is not the same as being in love. You taught me what love is in so many beautiful and sometimes unconventional ways. We shared everything ( mind, heart, and body) and by giving yourself to someone so completely, you learn to trust. What we had was a classic first love story that I never get tired of….because it helped make me the person I am today. Are we still in love? No. But I do appreciate the person you were back then and the person that you will always be. I appreciate the things that you taught me about life…love…and myself. I appreciate having the experiences that I had with you. Only now…once I’ve let go of the past and focused on wishing for a healthy and happy future for us both do I uncover the last piece of what it is to truly love someone. We don’t talk and that’s probably for the best but I did want to thank you, Marcus…and tell you that you have impacted my life. When I tell you that I wish you all the happiness in the world, please believe me because it’s completely true! Happy Valentine’s Day!

He thanked me for my message and said that it was sweet. His other comment was that we were nearly 30 and surely I had been in love again by now. I replied that no, I hadn’t but I looked forward to it in the future. That was that until this morning when I woke up to another message from him.

Especially now since u always had a thing for tiny asian penis. Now you can get a whole bunch of it!

What?! Are we in the 5th grade?! Who is this person and what has he done with the man I used to love?! I couldn’t believe that he would say something like this….esp. after the things that I had said to him about the impact that he made in my life!  So I just said

Almost 30, huh? Have a great rest of your week though. :0)

I know he was expecting the old me…the person who would start an argument over much less than this. Why waste the energy on someone who would talk to me this way after years of not speaking much and trying to sort out our feelings?!  His reply was that there was nothing wrong with a sense of humor and that I had to admit that it was pretty funny. I just told him ” Yep.You’re right. I’m getting ready for work. Have a good one.”  There is no point in fighting and getting upset. He is a non-factor in my life at this point. His contributions were made a long time ago and instead of letting him destroy my memories of him…I’d like to remember him the way he was back then. There is absolutely no reason to continue to talk to him.

I will let myself think about this situation the next time I start to feel like I miss him. I want to remind myself that the part of my life that included him is over and he is not the person I once knew and loved.

I think that even though I knew we would never be together again, part of me wanted to have some kind of friendship with him. Sometimes letting go really is the best thing to do.

February 16, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m Single- Why I don’t hate Valentine’s Day

For as long as I’ve been alive, Valentine’s Day has always been a very commercialized, lovey-dovey kind of day. Everyone is so focused on whether or not they are in a relationship and that has become the main theme of the holiday. I used to get sucked up into that as well and it was miserable…especially since I spent most of my Vdays as a single person. I have come to realize though, that what needed to change was my attitude.

My mother has always made sure that I knew that I was loved on Valentine’s Day. When I was growing up, she would set the breakfast table up with Vday goodies for me. There was always candy and a card and usually there would be a cute pair of Vday themed socks or something like that. It wasn’t the THINGS that she gave me on that day that told me that I was loved. It was the time and consideration it took to do that for me. My fondest Valentine’s Day memories have nothing to do with romance…they have more to do with unconditional love and gestures of love from all sources. ( esp. my Mom)

I am spending this day contacting people who are important to me and telling them just how much they mean to me. That’s what it’s all about for me.

February 14, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Less than 3 | , , , , | Leave a comment

Updates on A lot

So I’ve been an awful blogger recently. It was mostly because of my vacation though. I am so glad to be home and away from the person I was traveling with. The dog and I both lost some weight while I was gone so that’s all good. I have pictures but they are on my home computer so I will definitely move them over here to WordPress when I get a chance.

I’m back in the saddle at school…for a week. The strange thing about Winter break is that we come back for one week in February to wrap up our last lessons before the 6th graders graduate at the end of the week. Then, we are out of school for another 2 weeks for “Spring Break”. When we return in March, it’s a new school year and everyone has been brought up a grade. I did all of this planning for this week and we really aren’t doing anything. I won’t see the 6th graders, I only got to teach one 5th grade class ( tomorrow I only see two 5th grade classes and they are both watching a video with my co-teacher), and I won’t see my 4th graders at all either. So that means that I taught I class so far ( which was more like just a word review game) and I will teach my four 3rd grade classes on Wednesday. That’s it! I am happy to have a light load this week but I’m also a little disappointed because I planned some great lessons for them. But, this week I will be focused on making changes to the discipline system of our department and planning the first month of lessons for the new school year in March.

I’m still not dating and I haven’t really missed it at all. Had one person who didn’t want to take no for an answer and had to be really stern with him. I am too focused on other things. I am plugging away at my Counseling courses and have started TESOL training as well. (I’m almost halfway through with it and should be finished by this time next week!)

I have made the decision to give Korea another year or two of my life. I will not know until the last 2 or 3  months of my contract if I will be asked to return so I’m looking into other options as well. I am going to see what’s up with the private school that I really wanted to work for before. The hours are longer but there are more foreigners there and the kids are extremely talented in English already. At this point, I’m not going to look too much outside of Korea. I think I want to stay here for a little while, save some money, pay off debts, and enjoy this relatively stress-free life. I at least think I want to stay here until I finish my current degree program. I can’t see myself trying to work in the States or anywhere else that would force me to work crazy hours or do a lot of work outside of the work day and studying as well. I did it with the first Masters degree and it just about drove me mad. Why not make things easier or myself?

My next break, I will go home to see my family and friends. (Summer) Next winter break, I am going to shoot for Japan or Thailand. Those were the places that I wanted to visit this time and got shot down by the chick that I travelled with. ( Well if I can’t see any of the places that I’m interested in, don’t be surprised and mad when I don’t really want to do that much sightseeing!) If I have to, I will travel alone. I don’t care about going alone and I’m smart enough to stay out of harm’s way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my passion. The more I think about it, the more I think that I don’t really have one anymore. Dance burned me completely out and while my most important and lasting life goals are tied to dance, I think that I did the right thing by taking a break. I have tried many things that other people are passionate about but I can leave or take them. I want to find something that I love so much that I want to do it all the time. I want to be good at something. I guess I will continue to search.

Meanwhile…the novel was put on super hold…and other novel ideas are coming to me. I think that I just need to take some time and outline this thing and finally decide on it before I start trying to write it. I am getting so far away from my original concept and that’s totally ok…

February 6, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, iWrite, Less than 3 | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

30 Days of Truth: Day 19

Your views on religion or politics:

 First of all, these are two tools that people like to use to justify taking away the rights of other people. If done right ( and fairly) these two concepts are BEAUTIFUL but we ( being the people we are) have turned them into something ugly and unpleasant. We have turned them into things that we can’t talk about in mixed company for fear of starting a fight. I hate how people have taken the Bible and twisted its messages around to justify the horrible things that they’ve done to other people.

Religion has always played a role in my life. I grew up in the Baptist church…sunday school, sunday service, vacation bible school…the whole shebang. Once I got old enough to make my own decision, I stopped going to church regularly. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. It wasn’t the Bible or the intended message that bothered me but the actions of the people in the church. I was amazed that one place could house so much gossip, anger, and deceit. I was taught that I could only come to church if I was wearing a nice dress and I had money in my pocket for offering. Sunday mornings turned into fashion shows and holy spirit competitions between the Pastor’s wife and the Deacon’s wife. ( Who can scream the loudest and jump the highest without actually feeling the holy spirit?!)  I was not pleased.

When I started going back to church, it was at the request of my Mother. She had similar feelings to mine when it came to the churches she grew up going to and how church should be. She had found a church where the people were warm and inviting and nobody was made to feel like an outsider. The church had members from all walks of life…..young, old, gay, straight, married, single, conservative, liberal…everyone! This was my first taste of Unity church and I loved it. The messages were completely different. It was no longer ” Do right or you will burn in the bowels of hell” but ” How to live the happy and full life God wants you to have”.  In addition to Bible study, you could take meditation and yoga classes there. You could learn more about  The Law of Attraction! ( That concept still blows my mind!) It is totally normal to see a person walk into a Unity church on Sunday wearing jeans OR someone else wearing a nice dress because they understand that it DOESN’T MATTER!  Their worship sometimes includes songs from artist like Michael Jackson or the Beatles that have messages that can be applied to life. ( At Unity in Phoenix, they did a 4 week special on the life messages hidden in the music of the Beatles!)

When I left NC, I immediately found the Unity church in Phoenix. At the time, there were 3 main Pastors…two of which were females who were married to each other.  I didn’t attend every single Sunday but I was back in the church and loving it. I took classes, bought inspirational gifts in their store, meditated, and sang. THAT is what religion should be! It should be open to everyone and full of positive messages about life instead of making people feel like they aren’t worthy of God’s love. 

 

January 10, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s a New Year…new me?

The last few months of my life have been all about growth. Even when I didn’t realize it, I was changing and learning to be better to myself. I think that I have always been pretty good at loving others and doing things for them but not so much when it came to myself. I think I would like to make that my focus for 2012. I find myself getting annoyed with people who insist on making resolutions every year and making them such a huge deal all over the internet but I also get annoyed with people who take such a strong stance against resolutions. I guess I don’t really know how I feel about them. One thing that I can tell you for sure is that I wrote some on paper every single year but I never go back and look at them and think about my progress. I have had so many journals and blogs that I have no idea what my resolutions have been in the past. I think that I, like so many others, got caught up in the action of writing them and forgot to take action.

So won’t use the word resolution but these are some things that I would like to do and focus on in 2012:

1) Finish my first novel and become a better writer I am off to a slow start with this but I think that’s because I am putting way too much pressure on myself. I am forgetting that writing is something that I love.

2) Let go of any unnecessary anger and sadness – In any given day, I go through the entire spectrum of human emotions. It’s exhausting and I want to try to be more easy-going. I am always getting angry or sad over things that really don’t matter and all it does it shorten my own life.

3) Get in the gym twice a week- Ok so I don’t need to lose weight and I’m not in bad shape but I think that a lot of my medical issues could be avoided if I just got more exercise. I have only been to the gym once since I got my membership and that’s a shame! I know I would feel better physically and emotionally if I got more active.

4) Make better food choices- Finding out how my body reacts to different foods and developing a good diet for myself should be a priority. There are certain things that I need to stay away from and things that I need more of. I have already started to increase my fruit and veggie intake as well as water. I’ve also put myself back on daily vitamins.

5) Have more fun/Make more friends- I am not super social like I once was but I think that going out the other weekend helped me to see that I don’t have to be all uptight about going out anymore. If I can make a couple of new friends for going out and maybe one new friend for my emotional needs ( someone who will be there for me and allow me to be there for them…) I think I would be ok. I’d like to make at least 5 new friends this year….and I mean FRIENDS…not just someone whose name I learned.

6) Organize and manage my sleeping- Part of the reason I got sick recently is because of my awful sleeping habits. As it is, I really don’t sleep that well and haven’t for a few years now. I wake up a lot during the night. I would like to do some research and try to understand why that is. The sleeping issues are going to get dealt with this year.

7) Go to the doctor/dentist regularly- It’s so easy to overlook this when you are feeling fine and have no health emergencies. I have a doctor’s appintment set up for this week already and I’m looking for a dentist. I have to take better care of myself. It doesn’t make sense for me to have this great medical insurance and not use it to take care of these things. I have had some scares in the past couple of years and I should be monitoring my health a lot better than I have been.

8) Date casually and have more fun with it- I don’t even think I would want to call what I want to do dating. I mean…a better description would be hanging out. I don’t want to narrow it down to one person anymore. There is too much pressure and I don’t do well when I am so focused on being with one person and making them my BF. I will hang out with whoever I choose and do whatever I feel like doing. I won’t make up a bunch of corny rules or over think things. Don’t misunderstand though…I’m not going to stop respecting myself or start doing things that make me uncomfortable just to do them. I’m still not bringing people into my home until I know them and I’m still not going to sleep with just anyone.

9) See more of Korea- I have been here for 6 months and I really haven’t seen that much outside of the shopping areas. I would like to see more and learn more. That also means getting back into learning the language and not being so lazy about it. ( Although, I am reading, writing, and listening pretty well!)

10) Enjoy my own company- These last few days, I have really been doing this and I want to make it an everyday thing. It has made me less desperate to find someone to spend my time with. I start the day with plans for what I want to do to make myself happy or to fulfill a goal and I get so busy that I’m no longer thinking about how I don’t have a man in my life. It’s pretty awesome.

11) Finish my Administrators certification- I already have my Master degree in Educational Administration and I passed the AZ state administrators exam back in March 2011. All I have to do to be licensed in the state of Arizona is get my 45 hour Structured English Immersion class out of the way. Then I can get my documentation together and pay for my license. I plan to take the course online and then apply for the license from here. I think that having the actual certification will help me if I decide to change to administration even if I end up in a different state.

12) Get all As in my Professional Counseling program of study- So far, so good with this. I want to maintain  and graduate with a 4.0. I have a long way to go before I will be finished but I’d like to focus on this year for now and make all As my goal. I’m 3 classes in and I still have my 4.0.

13) 100% effort in teaching- Too many times, I like my depression or my feelings about my current situation get in the way of my teaching. So I’m not teaching older students…these kids can’t help that and there is no reason for them to suffer. I wouldn’t say that I have done a bad job teaching thus far but there definitely been days when I didn’t put forth my best effort. Sometimes I go in there and just feel physically and emotionally drained. I think that I can fix that by focusing on some of the other things that I’ve listed above.

So, I have exactly 13 things….I’m not going to think of 13 as an unlucky number because as of right now, I am creating my own luck!

January 8, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

30 days of Truth: Day 18

Your views on gay marriage:

First of all, I would like to say that people who believe that gay marriage goes against the sanctity of marriage need to take a look around. We haven’t done a very great job thus far of preserving it and allowing gay people to marry is not a threat. People are breaking their vows everyday and not honoring their spouses! How are you going to argue against something and say that it’s going to break something that is already broken?!

Anyway, I believe that people who love each other should be allowed to marry. Period. Man+Woman, Man+Man, Woman+Woman!  It’s all love and gay people should have all the same rights as everyone else! We live in a society where straight white males live in privilege and if you don’t fall into those categories, you are constantly being told that you can’t do something. Gay/Bi/Transgendered. Minorities. Women. We are all being held back from our potential because of something that we can’t control or change.

If gay people want to get married, I say go for it! Marriage is supposed to be about love and sharing a life together and two gay people are just as capable of those things as any heterosexual couple!

January 8, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , | 1 Comment

They always want to know why…

I switched off my profile on that dating site and I did so without that uneasy feeling that you get when you know you are doing something you’ll regret later. I will go back to it at another time…when I’m in a better place that is more conducive to dating. I hate how they always want to ask you two or three times to explain why you are leaving the site. There are only so many ways that you can say ” I just want to enjoy being single!”

A friend of mine sent their wedding pictures to me this morning and I really enjoyed looking at them. I had no idea she was so creative. The wedding and reception were very simple but elegant. I really loved her ideas! It was the first time that I was able to look at wedding pictures and changed marital status posts without feeling jealous or sorry for myself. I felt nothing other than awe at the things she was able to do with her wedding. I told her that if I got married I would love to hear her ideas.

I said IF not because ” it isn’t looking good” or because I think there is a possibility that I won’t find someone for me….I said IF because I have a choice.

I love these moments of clarity and I never really know how long they will last. I am enjoying this! I’m in Korea! I am about to take an 18 day trip to Malaysia and Singapore! There are things to explore and experience and I’ve been too busy being miserable to get out there!  I’m about to pick up this damn camera that I paid so much money for and get it poppin’.

January 7, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation | , , , , | Leave a comment

5 Great Things About Being Single

I bet you never thought you’d see a post like this coming from me! I’m  a little surprised myself but earlier I was thinking about this and thought I would share.

So….this list represents some of the things that I dislike about dating and turns them into positive things about staying single. ( Same concept with a more positive twist I think!)

5) You don’t have to feel guilty about having a life. If you are a workaholic or you like to spend a lot of time out on the town with your friends, that’s ok! You don’t have to feel like you must check in or spend a specific amount of time with someone. ( Although, if you really like/love them enough to be in a relationship, you should WANT to spend time with them!) On the other side of this, you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting more attention from a BF or GF.  I find that I am usually on that side of it….making someone feel guilty for having a life. There’s no checking your messages to see that the message you sent has been read and then wondering why the person is not replying. No wondering where he/she is and if they even care that you are missing them.

4) There are no arguments that cause you to lose sleep or feel bad for any period of time. You don’t have to worry about not seeing eye to eye. There’s no pressure to be with someone who has the same views on marriage, children, or really anything for that matter. There’s no going into work the next day in a pissy mood because you had a fight with your GF/BF the night before.

3) It gives you time to focus on yourself. You can figure out who you are outside of a relationship. You are more than just ________’s girlfriend or ________’s ex.When you are single, it’s a great time to learn to do things on your own and enjoy it.  Find out what you like and what you don’t like rather than what you are willing to tolerate for the sake of your relationship. ( which leads into my next point….)

2)  You can live your life  your way without apology and without compromise. Even when you are in a relationship with someone who is not totally bossy, you will find yourself doing things to please them even if you don’t want to do them. Sometimes this means wearing certain things that they like or styling your hair a certain way. They might have some pet peeves or habits that you don’t understand and then you feel pressured to make them comfortable even if it may make you uncomfortable. (And that sometimes leads to resentment!)  For me, this means being able to let my dog sleep in the bed with me without a big issue, wearing what makes me comfortable instead of feeling like I have to wear heels and a skirt to please someone else, skipping the make up, being a homebody, etc.

1) You don’t have to worry about being hurt. Even when it’s unintentional, it really sucks to be hurt by the one you love. There are so many ways that a bf/gf can potentially hurt you. Lying, not trusting you, taking you for granted, hiding your relationship, and making you feel inadequate are just a few painful things. It is nice not having to worry about the behavior of another person. No matter how long you are with someone there are going to be times when you will hurt them and they will hurt you. Working through those times is part of what being in a relationship is about.

For a lot of people, being free to mingle would be part of the list. I just don’t see it that way.  I see a relationship as an opportunity to love someone and let them love me. To me, that’s much better than being free to carry on with a bunch of other people. ( And have I mentioned that I really HATE the beginning states of dating?!)

I think that I would still love to be in a relationship but I think that at this point, I am more willing to wait for the right person because…if I’m going to put in the work involved with a healthy relationship, it’s not going to be for someone who isn’t right for me.  I am starting to see the perks of being single. Do I want to stay this way for a long time? No. But I do think that I could benefit from it if I can see the positive side rather than being in a funk because I don’t have a man.

January 6, 2012 Posted by | Affirmation, Bitching, Less than 3 | , , , , , , | Leave a comment